THE British monarchy is not in crisis – although it would be if King Randy Andy the First was about to ascend to the throne, and the future King Harry the Woke was waiting impatiently in the wings.
If those wayward second sons were destined to wear the crown, even the Queen’s corgis might turn into republicans.
But fate has been kind to our country.
Queen Elizabeth II’s reign will be followed by King Charles III, and later King William V.
And this week we had the first real glimpse of what next-gen royalty will look like.
For the sad truth is now undeniable. One day the Queen really will be gone.
Even as the flags go up in the capital to celebrate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee, it feels as if our country is already preparing for what comes after Her Majesty’s long, immaculate reign.
This truly felt like the week the baton was passed.
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The previous two occasions were when she was pregnant with her youngest children.
This time it was because of what the Palace calls “episodic mobility problems”
Time has finally caught up with our brave, stoical Queen.
Nobody will ever take her place because she has reigned so well and for so long.
Most of Elizabeth’s subjects have no memory of what life was like without her on the throne.
She was just 25 when she became Queen, and she is our last link to the generation who fought the Second World War.
Incredibly, by the time she was the age Prince Charles is now, she had been on the throne for almost half a century.
And there will be an unprecedented outpouring of national grief when it is time to say goodbye.
Yet there are grounds for hope and optimism about the future of the monarchy.
The royal Second XI took the field this week, a youth team led by their 73-year-old striker. And they played a blinder.
The future King Charles, despite sometimes seeming almost overwhelmed by emotion, fulfilled his role at the State Opening of Parliament with commendable gravitas.
Prince William, so sombre at his father’s side, showed his true, sweet nature later in the week when he tore up the royal rule book to hug tearful 66-year-old William Burns in Glasgow.
SENSE OF HUMOUR
Camilla has grown into her role as future Queen, and now looks totally natural at Charles’ side.
It is a shock to realise that Charles and Camilla have now been married for 17 years — two years longer than his unhappy union with Diana.
Camilla will be Queen Consort when Charles ascends to the throne.
Once upon a time that would have been unthinkable. No more.
There is a gentle, mocking sense of humour about Camilla — this week she was revealing her passion for Heinz baked beans — and this will help win over the doubters.
And then there is Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge who has the Queen’s genius for hitting exactly the right note.
Those instincts were there this week when Kate wore earrings featuring Manchester’s bee symbol as she and William paid tribute to those killed in the terrorist attack at the Ariana Grande concert in 2017.
Charles, Camilla, William and Kate are the safe hands that will guide the monarchy in the years ahead.
The Queen can be proud of her legacy.
Over the last 70 years, she has proved the priceless value of having a head of state who is above the petty squabbles of politicians.
Nobody will ever take her place.
But she has secured the monarchy for the next 100 years.
KATIE PRICE, 43, conducted an £80-a-ticket make-up masterclass in an Edinburgh beauty salon and 12 fans showed up.
The way it was reported, we were clearly meant to consider this a sign of Katie’s declining popularity.
Personally, I thought, 12 people? Not bad!
I once did a book event in Boston, Massachusetts, where NOBODY turned up.
In fact, it was even worse than that as a homeless man had stretched out for a nap in the middle of the row upon row of around 300 empty seats.
Halfway through my talk to nobody, he woke up and snuck out.
Those 12 fans prove you are still loved, Katie.
Crush wicked Putin
PRESIDENT Emmanuel Macron of France warns that the West must not “humiliate” Mad Vlad Putin.
And the bargain-bin Bonaparte is about as wrong as he possibly could be.
Putin must be humiliated.
After the unimaginable suffering that Russia has inflicted upon the people of Ukraine – the cities in ruins, the millions forced from their homes, the mass graves, the families ripped apart for ever – there can be no easy way out for the mass murderer of Moscow.
Putin must lose.
Putin’s violence is so momentous, he can have no face-saving finale, no soft landing, no “off- ramp” exit strategy for his crimes against humanity.
Macron insists that compromises should be made with the insane despot who has inflicted slaughter on Ukraine.
“In the future we will have to build a peace, let’s never forget that,” Macron told the European Parliament.
The pound store Napoleon is wrong. Should we have negotiated with Hitler?
No – some monsters are so evil they must be crushed.
It is impossible to imagine peace in Europe while Putin is free to inspect his army of rapists in Red Square.
So how does this war end?
President Joe Biden warns that Putin “doesn’t have a way out” of Ukraine.
Perhaps Mad Vlad could copy Sleepy’s exit strategy from Afghanistan.
Run, comrade. Run!
RAUNCHY robots, romping replicants and Artificial Intelligence babes have long been a recurring Hollywood fantasy.
There’s a long list of leading sexbot ladies including Daryl Hannah and Sean Young in the original Blade Runner film, Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives remake, Ana de Armas as a hot hologram in Blade Runner 2049 and Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina, her electrical circuits visible in the back of her lovely head.
But now fantasy is becoming a reality, with one German scientist predicting that within 50 years, sexy robots will be indistinguishable from human beings.
“I see a possibility of people having one-night stands with robots without realising that it was a bot,” Dr Oliver Bendel darkly warns.
“Things will get problematic when humans start assuming they are having a serious relationship with a highly developed robot. Sex robots make no demands. They won’t make fun of you.”
This German egghead clearly expects us to be appalled at this dystopian dating game.
But, quite frankly, it does not sound like the worst date in the world, does it?
More 3-in-1 oil, darling?
Brexit in peril
IF Brexit results in the break-up of the United Kingdom, then Brexit will have failed.
But that is what is happening right now.
The UK is the only country in the world with an internal trade border.
It squats there in the Irish Sea between Northern Ireland and Great Britain.
Imposed by Brussels, the Northern Ireland Protocol is designed to protect the EU’s sacred single market.
And to punish this country for leaving the EU. It cannot stand. It must not stand.
It will trash the fragile peace won by the Good Friday Agreement.
It will destroy the UK itself.
It must be renegotiated with good- will on both sides.
And if the EU will not negotiate in good faith, then they must be politely told to stick their Northern Ireland Protocol where the Brussels sun does not shine.
Because Northern Ireland must be a full and equal part of the UK.
If it is not, then Brexit has failed.
And 17.4million people have been cheated.
PRINCE HARRY has appeared on a skit on New Zealand TV to promote his sustainable travel campaign.
He advises holidaymakers should be admonished if they drop litter, use too many hotel towels or leave taps running.
No mention of the use of gas-guzzling, planet- polluting private jets.
What an eco-hypocrite.
The deal is currently on hold pending details about the number of “bots” on the platform.
But there’s no denying that Twitter is the perfect place for the Orange One.
Because it comes with a mute button.